Steven Robert

My little guy turned 13 today... My heart can't stop freaking out... He is growing up into a young man and nothing anybody does can stop that... He was MY baby the first three years of his life...I never tired of toting him around with me...As long as he was with me he didn't care where we were going.. Music meant everything to us.. Him in his car seat playing that guitar and me on keyboard and drums... He has always been able to talk me into anything and I always pay for days with every muscle in my body hurting.. When he was 3 we played on the dirt pile made when they dug out for the septic tank to go in.. For 3 days we lived in that dirt... At midnight Kim made us come in, shower, and get to bed.. We were sunburned and had the time of our lives on that dirt pile... When classical music would come on he would come running and stand in front of the tv mesmerized by the music.. He was conducting music and playing drums from day 1.. Always had a beat going... What a talented boy.. There isn't much he can't do if he sets his mind to it.. What an amazing kid... I am blown away at being so blessed to be his . Mimaw... I used to have to sing the Popeye song over the phone if we weren't together at bedtime.. He is my first and he stole my heart when he was born and he stopped crying as soon as he heard me calr his name.. He recognized my voice and he was looking for it.. I could always get him to sleep if nobody else could.. He is just the coolest kid ever... He owns my heart.. Right along with Emberlynn and Ryker... God blessed me ridiculously and I don't know how I manged to be graced by these grandbabies... I will spend the rest of my life trying to make God know he picked the right Mimaw for them...  I owe God absolutely everything... His grace blows me away.. Thank you Lord... I can never say that enough.. THANK YOU!!!!

IF I WROTE A NOTE TO GOD

Dear God,
Today, yet again, the broken heart of this four year old sits in your lap, sobbing from a pain so deep in my soul that I can't breathe... As you well know this pain and hurt has nothing really to do with me at all... You bless me beyond belief every single day... The Arctic Blast, aka Winter Storm Leon, is reeking havoc everywhere.. Temps that can NOT possibly be survived by any living thing exposed to these elements... Our troops are duking it out and being betrayed daily by the very leaders they took an oath to protect... Then I heard this song and I realized I could type all day and never really say what is said here... I put the lyrics here for those that might not be able to pull it up on YouTube... IF I WROTE A NOTE TO GOD... This is what I would say to You my precious Lord... I humbly bring this to You, putting all I've ever believed in Your Most Holy Name.... AMEN....

If I wrote a note to God
I would speak what's in my soul
I'd ask for all the hate to be swept away
For love to overflow

If I wrote a note to God
I'd pour my heart out on each page
I'd ask for war to end and for peace to mend this world
I'd say, I'd say

I'd say give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love 'cause love is overdue
And it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

If I wrote a note to God
I'd say please help us find a way
End all the bitterness, put some tenderness in our hearts
I'd say, I'd say

I'd say give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love 'cause love is overdue
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you

Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

No, no
We can't do it on our own!
So, so

Give us the strength to make it through
Help us find love 'cause love is overdue
And it looks like we haven't got a clue
Need some help from you

Grant us the faith to carry on
Give us hope when it seems all hope is gone
'Cause it seems like so much is going wrong
On this road we're on

No, no
We can't do it on our own!
So, so

If I wrote a note to God

Songwriters
WARREN, DIANE

Quotes

~There are only four questions of value in life...what is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? What is worth dying for? The answer to each the same. Only love..~♥
~Don Juan De Marco~

~One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life, that word is love..~♥
~Sophocles~

2009

Susan Spicer Mason

December 27, 2009

2am-Steph and Jody duking it out on the Wii with Mario Bros...LOUDLY... Kim, Richard and I having a deep chat in the bedroom, trying to get Emberlynn to give it up and sleep.. Kim calls out to Jody-"Hey Jode, Do you think you guys can tone it down a skosh??" Steph's immediate reply, "Umm NO... But thanks for asking.." If you know Steph, you know how hilarious that was!!! We almost fell off the bed laughing at her...

Implosion

I am extremely fascinated by these few posts after my dad died... What intrigues me is that I have spent some time strolling through 2012 looking for them and then I was shocked by what I read...... Now I remember it like it was yesterday... This will be my next blog and I have promised myself it be written... I am doing so much better and I have such a long long long way to go.... Right now I still sob trying to talk about it when the dreams invade my sleep and the panic attacks show up unannounced at all hours of the day... They are better but there is nothing about them that is productive as far as I can tell... I am surrounded by people who are willing to let me talk and cry till I'm finished... Again, I will revisit these in detail in 2013.. For now, I'm saving them as a note so I don't have to go looking again... (Susan Spicer Mason September 24, 2012 via mobile)   It's kind of like being the occupant of a massive tide pool during a very sassy storm... There is water crashing everywhere and the winds are so loud I can't hear myself think. Yet there is no fear at all. It's just weird... I am living in a state of absolute confusion... It's not a bad place most of the time... It is quite peaceful and yet absolutely terrifying all at the same time. It's images I kept getting when my world was getting "reorganized" for lack of a better word... Don't get me wrong, still there for a little bit... It's just the very odd calmness in the midst of the madness that I can't get over... It was awful and so awesome and at times I couldn't tell which was which.... Nothing about this last few months has ever been seen by me and it has been crazier than usual as far as trying to process stuff... Well, I went and hid in a tidal pool and watched what was going on... Talk about a psychedelic trip!!! Everything was in color... Crazy crazy colors.. One color morphed into another color and I could not take my eyes off of it!!! I can only imagine what a trip  might be like because I have never had one... I was absolutely soaked to the bone and yet I was completely dry. Yea, wait till you hear all my war stories.... You'll be proud, and scared, and proud again... I've been a swinging little ninja lately... It was in that fraction of a second, as I saw the destroyer of my world as I knew it hit the ground, and I saw those shock waves coming at me with no chance of escape,  it was in that fleeting moment that I realized all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeat... There was absolute total chaos all around me...  As I waited, my heart just kept doing it's job, as though it was completely unaware of what was happening... Or better yet, maybe because it knew so much more than I ever could, it just kept on beating.... Our hearts are tough like that... : ) I knew I was about to hit rock-bottom, that dreaded place nobody ever wants to go.  Much to my surprise it was absolutely nothing I expected.  The bottom is smooth and very cool... Nothing real jagged even though it seems that way till you're there... You can climb all over it and even have to hang on for dear life sometimes just to keep from being swept over the abyss...The abyss. That huge expanse of nothingness. I always thought rock-bottom was as far down as you could get. I learned differently very quickly... How is there anything past rock bottom??? But there is something past it… I truly believe the entire universe is on the other side of rock-bottom. Some of the greatest of life's lessons are learned from that edge... That edge that isn't supposed to exist... But it definitely does... Rock bottom... I think sometimes it gets a really bad rap and that's sad... I love the things I've learned at rock bottom on this planet... With that being said, I would never want to have to spend long amounts of time there... It's like a school we all have to go to on occasion... Some of the absolute coolest stuff dwells there... It's where every ounce of wisdom I've maybe ever learned came from... I've never been alone down here... I have no idea where I am, but it isn't awful... Does that make sense??? Probably not if you've never been here. I've called it since last fall... 2012 was going to rattle my cage... Little did I know that it was going to be a magnitude 9 on the Richter scale of my life… I think we all knew it was coming but as with anything like that you are absolutely shocked that it has happened.… I do know at this point that it's going to take more help than I can give myself to get through this monster storm… I absolutely know I would not be writing this if it wasn't for my faith in my God… Just have to put one foot in front of the other Susan and you can do this!!! Going to see Ryker and Steph today... This has been a sky full of huge meteors from this crazy coastline... I am in complete awe... Good night Dad… I love and miss you more than I ever dreamed imaginable… I know you are at peace finally and I know I will see you again someday… All my love always…
  Jan 22, 2014
I am so thankful that I wrote this stuff during all the chaos because there is absolutely no way I could have remembered what was happening in my life at those moments... Those 3-4 months after my dad died are a total blur... I would like to protest a particular saying that I know I must have heard 10,000 times if I heard it once... "The first year is always the hardest because it's a year of firsts..." I get that and every "first" without your loved one is almost unbearable at times... Once we got to August 15, 2013, I felt such relief that we had made it through that first year... I don't know about anybody else but year one was a year of still being in shock and still quite the blur... Year two has kicked my heart all over the place every single day... I know I cry more... There is no time limit on grief and I can promise you, whoever you are, if ever you find yourself sobbing in my arms over the loss of a loved one, you will NEVER EVER hear me say, "The first year is the hardest..." I don't know who started that deceptive comment but it should be banned all the way past the edge of the universe... There is simply no truth to it...

My prayer for today and a thought from yesterday... by Susan Spicer Mason (Notes) on Monday, March 18, 2013 at 9:46pm

3-17-2013

This was a comment of mine from yesterday on another page I belong to.. A woman I HIGHLY admire and respect lost her daughter-in-law last week to suicide... Below is one of my comments...

     My dad sat on a chair in the garage and shot himself... He did not die right away... He was actually able to get up, walk across the garage, and come sit back down before he died... I have held on to the hope that when he took his last breath, Jesus was standing before him, with His hand out, saying, "Come on Howard, let's go, it's time to take you home..." I sob just thinking about it... It makes no sense that less than two months later I was being admitted to a psychiatric hospital and spent the first 8 of the 15 days on "in line of sight" suicide watch... My heart was in a gazillion bazillion pieces over my dad's suicide, and yet there I was, begging God to let me go be with my dad and begging my dad to please come take me with him... DEPRESSION IS A VICIOUS HEARTLESS MONSTER THAT COMES LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT AND STEALS US AWAY FROM OUR LOVED ONES, LEAVING AN UNIMAGINABLE DEBRIS FIELD OF CONFUSION AND HURT... I may have to be on meds the rest of my life and I am ok with that... I will praise God in this storm and EVERY STORM until He is ready for me... On Sunday I am doing something I have never done... I am putting my name on a church roster... I have been to probably every Christian church there is but when I walked into this little Episcopal church, my heart felt like, "Hi God!!! I'm so happy to be here with you!!!" So on Sunday I will be confirmed... I have been baptized three times in my life... Three different religions, with the last two being just sure I hadn't been baptized correctly the time before... Since I remember for a fact that the last time I was dunked in a creek, it was done in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Father Ed says it's not necessary to baptize me again... This hive saves me daily and today is no different... The fact that you could reach out to me in your grief DogobEE says so much about you and even more about the presence of God in our hive.... Thank you.... From the deepest parts of my soul, thank you..

3-18-2013

Tonight was my prayer night on that same page... I asked for Donna Greigo's blessing before I put the prayer on my personal page... Some of this information about me will come as a shock for a few people, but most of my friends on here already know my story... Mental Health.... It doesn't get enough attention or credit for the damage it can do as far as I'm concerned... When I was in the hospital, every day they would tell us to write something down that was a part of our life, therefore having to accept it as a fact, and learn to live with it... Mine never changed... Every day I wrote:     I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS...

                                                    MY DAD IS NEVER EVER COMING BACK....

Below is my prayer tonight...

My Most Amazing God, Today I come before You heartbroken and exhilarated... This last week I have easily shed the most tears since I left the hospital... My heart just shattered for Melanie and her family... I know exactly what they were going through... Trying to explain to my husband that I was not having a setback because I just could not stop crying was not difficult because it was him who taught me about St Michael... He prayed with me, he prayed for us... He lit candles for Melanie every day.. He did understand because it was just seven short months ago I was living the same nightmare... Melanie's suicide struck an even deeper chord with me because the eight days I spent on my "In line of sight" suicide watch at the hospital, my fear, and I was very vocal about it, was that I would get to that one moment when I 'just did it' and hang myself on the doorknob with the neck of my t-shirt... Mel was so young and yet so very tortured... Thank you God, FOREVER, for bringing the Griego's into her life... I can feel in my soul that their love and mercy made her a more spiritual person... In her heart, she knew of no other way to stop hurting the people she loved most... My dad was in that same state of mind... Their suicide, in their minds, was an act of love and sacrifice... They truly believed they were a burden to this planet and those that loved them... St Michael... I've learned more about him since my dad died and it is coming to know him that I have been able to begin to make peace with where my dad, and Ryan (RAKs For Ryan), and Melanie are right now... I have posted the prayer and the explanation of who he is; in case any like me, were not completely aware of his job... He is the Patron Saint of our troops and so much more.... This brings me to the exhilarated part of my week... Yesterday I claimed a church as home... It will always be a very special day to me... Tomorrow is the 50th Anniversary of my 4th birthday... The 1/2 century mark of turning four is huge... When you're four... I had the song picked out all week and realized it needed to wait one week... So, with Your permission, my song today will be a celebration of life... A celebration of all that was good and wonderful about those we have lost... Not just to suicide, but in any manner... I feel like I may get away with this because the entire video honors our military... The Blue Angels specifically... I hope that the fact that it's a Van Halen song does not offend anyone... This is one of my all-time favorites and my family knows that when I pass from this earth, they had definitely better have this played at my service... Mostly because I love the sky and as a child I got to see The Blue Angels and The Thunderbirds with my dad... He gave me that love of the sky and the earth and jets... Lord, I pray for Your protection over our troops... All of this I pray in Jesus' Most Holy Name... Amen.... http://youtu.be/XUCUmgsDH7Y

Praying in the bathroom...

Susan Spicer Mason

November 14, 2011 via mobile

Kisses from angels... Missy called tonight so her and Eric could pray with us for Kim.. Kim was in the tub so I put them on speakerphone, sat on the toilet next to the tub, and we bowed our heads as Eric started the prayer.. Missy finished it and we said Amen.. Kim and I raised our heads to look at each other and we were both bawling, which made us both start laughing.. Thank you Missy and Eric for the overwhelming peace your prayers brought.. We love you so much.. Kim has never had such an audience taking a bath!! I am so blessed.. Please, everybody, pray for my baby tomorrow.. I love you all SOOOOO much!! :)

My Dad

Emily Dalton Bentz

BEES - I just got off the phone with my MomEE (Susan Spicer Mason) and she asked that I please share with you. We just got word that my Grandpa (Susan's dad) has shot and killed himself. Would you please join my family in praying - as you can imagine, we are all stunned. Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement - I know how much she treasures all of you.

Missy and her 25 Random Weirdness Things HAHAHA!!!

25 Random things.........what else is there to do at 4am?

by Emily Dalton Bentz (Notes) on Thursday, January 29, 2009 at 4:21am

1) I re-apply lotion and chapstick at least 26 times a day.

2) I haven’t slept through the night in over two years (with the exception of when I broke my elbow and the ER gave me horse tranquilizers, I then slept for 21 hours straight)

3) Even though I am almost 30 years old I still call my mom “Mommy”, it’s her name, accept it.

4) In the safety and privacy of my car I sing like it’s my job (trust me y'all I can’t carry a tune in a bucket)

5) I am a diehard romantic; I’ve seriously considered writing a book of ideas about 103 times. I have to do something with all of these ideas swirling in my brain and I only have so many guy friends that I can help.

6) I am IMPOSSIBLE to surprise (my wheels never stop turning and I am always investigating so pulling something off without me knowing………..yep, impossible.)

7) I love the smell of mens cologne.....seriously I have a Yankee candle that smells just like it (Mid Summers Night anyone?)

8) I believe that a nap is the world’s best attitude adjustment. As Isaac (my pastor) says “sometimes the best thing you can do for those around you is take a nap” :)

9) The wind always makes me think of God. You can’t see it but you can feel it…..enough said.

10) I have a thing with numbers; I’m always counting in my head (Save the Rainman jokes)

11) I also have a thing with touch, I have to know how everything feels between my fingers

12) I cannot sit with my back to the door - it freaks me out

13) I have a nervous stomach – if I am sad, upset, mad, scared, anxious, etc. I can’t eat

14) I am horrible with words, However I can express to you how I’m feeling through lyrics – I have thousands of lyrics stored in my brain and I can give you a song for every situation (ask any of my friends, they can vouch for me on this)

15) I believe “actions speak louder than words”

16) I practice what I preach (most of the time)

17) I want to be someone’s number one priority – I will not settle for “somewhere in the Top 10” ever again.

18) I wish I had long lucious hair......I've seriously considered a "weave" more times than 9.

19) I love Hallmark more than the average person, buying cards makes me happy. Randomly sending them to those I love; pure joy. I once had a flight from LGA to MCO sitting next to a Hallmark VP of Something. 2 hours of talking cards – It was awesome.

20) I want love (and not the rainbows and butterflies kind) I want raw, honest, faithful, true love. The inconvenient, life changing, can’t live without each other, my soul finally feels at rest love.

21) My Life List keeps getting bigger

22) I still sleep with my 26 year old Care Bear

23) I bruise easily (both physically and emotionally)

24) I love to be held, it makes me feel safe. (Ask my grandma, I still sit in her lap when I go back home)

25) My head is always in the clouds. I am constantly admiring the sky; the stars, moon, sunrise and sunsets. Thank you Mommy as you instilled this love in me long, long ago.

MY STRING THING

I first saw my crazy "string thing" ,when we lived in Springfield, Missouri... My mom was working third shift so it was just myself, the girls and my cousin, Penny... There was a cricket loose in the house somewhere and Penny was not going to let me rest until I found it... She kept yelling, " OH GRASSHOPPER!!" For over an hour I chased the sound and finally figured out it was in the garage... I told her she was safe, that I was done looking for it and out went the lights... I couldn't have been asleep more than an hour when I suddenly had the sensation of being pushed down into the water bed and the water was coming up over my face threatening to drown me... I sat up in the bed gasping for air and it was then that I noticed something in my doorway. It was this crazy tornado looking thing spinning in the doorway and it reminded me of bailing twine... It also scared me half to death!!! By this time I had grabbed my gun and was headed toward the swirling string... As I got closer to it, it backed away and stayed in the hall almost as though there was a shield up going to the girls rooms… As soon as I peered into the living room I could see our cat staring at the front door.. Then I saw the front door pull shut…This rental house we were living in had the same locks that were installed when it was first built… Which meant there was no telling how many people had keys to those locks… As the door pulled shut I saw a huge iridescent flash out the front window, which to this day I will never be able to explain… Fast-forward about a year and we had moved to Ozark Missouri… I was startled awake one night only to find my "string thing" in my doorway again… This time I literally dove under my covers… Such a brave little warrior.. Lol!! Over the next 10 years I was visited by my "string thing" probably 50 to 60 times… After a while I learned to lay there and watch it and sure enough it would start moving across the room toward me… I finally got to where I could stay put and let it get almost over top of me before I would freak out and throw my covers at it… I guess I thought I was going to catch it because I would throw the covers and turn the lights on real quick to see if I had caught anything… Obviously there was never anything there!!! I don't know why I couldn't let it make its full path without hiding my face because I knew it was not there to hurt me… It followed me to one more house and I saw it one time there… It has been almost 20 years since I have seen that crazy "string thing" and I think about it all the time wondering if it's ever going to come visit me again… Since the first visit I knew it wasn't there to hurt me, in fact I felt that it had saved us… When it backed out of my bedroom door and stayed in the hall I truly felt like it was not going to let anything get past it to the girls... So, to my "string thing" buddy, thank you and if you ever come see me again I will try so hard not to hide under the covers!!

My prayer from January 20, 2014

Lord you know my heart and today it just seems to be a jumbled up mess. All of my prayers here lately have been me asking You how I should pray. I know the things on my heart but I just don't know what I'm asking You to do about them. This world just seems to get crazier and just when I think I'm able to make peace with the chaos it gets even worse. I read a sticker the other day that said tears are the prayers we speak when we have no words. I have been doing a lot of that lately. I trust You Lord, and I know that You are in control of all this seeming madness. I pray Lord the day will come soon when You bring all our troops home to this land where they belong and to the families waiting so desperately to see them again. Please give Your special touch to the families in turmoil. Give special attention to our VETS. Help us to help them somehow be able to leave that terrible war behind them. 1, 23, 68. For those of us who understand those numbers we know that the only acceptable number is zero. God, please be with us every second of every day, help us to do Your will and help us to accept Your will when things don't happen the way we thought they might have. With You all things are possible. I pray that we don't lose hope, that we ban together and with the Armor of God in place we will do Your will against the evil that seeks to destroy us. All of this I pray in Your most HOLY NAME. HOW GREAT THOU ART… Amen.