Implosion

I am extremely fascinated by these few posts after my dad died... What intrigues me is that I have spent some time strolling through 2012 looking for them and then I was shocked by what I read...... Now I remember it like it was yesterday... This will be my next blog and I have promised myself it be written... I am doing so much better and I have such a long long long way to go.... Right now I still sob trying to talk about it when the dreams invade my sleep and the panic attacks show up unannounced at all hours of the day... They are better but there is nothing about them that is productive as far as I can tell... I am surrounded by people who are willing to let me talk and cry till I'm finished... Again, I will revisit these in detail in 2013.. For now, I'm saving them as a note so I don't have to go looking again... (Susan Spicer Mason September 24, 2012 via mobile)   It's kind of like being the occupant of a massive tide pool during a very sassy storm... There is water crashing everywhere and the winds are so loud I can't hear myself think. Yet there is no fear at all. It's just weird... I am living in a state of absolute confusion... It's not a bad place most of the time... It is quite peaceful and yet absolutely terrifying all at the same time. It's images I kept getting when my world was getting "reorganized" for lack of a better word... Don't get me wrong, still there for a little bit... It's just the very odd calmness in the midst of the madness that I can't get over... It was awful and so awesome and at times I couldn't tell which was which.... Nothing about this last few months has ever been seen by me and it has been crazier than usual as far as trying to process stuff... Well, I went and hid in a tidal pool and watched what was going on... Talk about a psychedelic trip!!! Everything was in color... Crazy crazy colors.. One color morphed into another color and I could not take my eyes off of it!!! I can only imagine what a trip  might be like because I have never had one... I was absolutely soaked to the bone and yet I was completely dry. Yea, wait till you hear all my war stories.... You'll be proud, and scared, and proud again... I've been a swinging little ninja lately... It was in that fraction of a second, as I saw the destroyer of my world as I knew it hit the ground, and I saw those shock waves coming at me with no chance of escape,  it was in that fleeting moment that I realized all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeat... There was absolute total chaos all around me...  As I waited, my heart just kept doing it's job, as though it was completely unaware of what was happening... Or better yet, maybe because it knew so much more than I ever could, it just kept on beating.... Our hearts are tough like that... : ) I knew I was about to hit rock-bottom, that dreaded place nobody ever wants to go.  Much to my surprise it was absolutely nothing I expected.  The bottom is smooth and very cool... Nothing real jagged even though it seems that way till you're there... You can climb all over it and even have to hang on for dear life sometimes just to keep from being swept over the abyss...The abyss. That huge expanse of nothingness. I always thought rock-bottom was as far down as you could get. I learned differently very quickly... How is there anything past rock bottom??? But there is something past it… I truly believe the entire universe is on the other side of rock-bottom. Some of the greatest of life's lessons are learned from that edge... That edge that isn't supposed to exist... But it definitely does... Rock bottom... I think sometimes it gets a really bad rap and that's sad... I love the things I've learned at rock bottom on this planet... With that being said, I would never want to have to spend long amounts of time there... It's like a school we all have to go to on occasion... Some of the absolute coolest stuff dwells there... It's where every ounce of wisdom I've maybe ever learned came from... I've never been alone down here... I have no idea where I am, but it isn't awful... Does that make sense??? Probably not if you've never been here. I've called it since last fall... 2012 was going to rattle my cage... Little did I know that it was going to be a magnitude 9 on the Richter scale of my life… I think we all knew it was coming but as with anything like that you are absolutely shocked that it has happened.… I do know at this point that it's going to take more help than I can give myself to get through this monster storm… I absolutely know I would not be writing this if it wasn't for my faith in my God… Just have to put one foot in front of the other Susan and you can do this!!! Going to see Ryker and Steph today... This has been a sky full of huge meteors from this crazy coastline... I am in complete awe... Good night Dad… I love and miss you more than I ever dreamed imaginable… I know you are at peace finally and I know I will see you again someday… All my love always…
  Jan 22, 2014
I am so thankful that I wrote this stuff during all the chaos because there is absolutely no way I could have remembered what was happening in my life at those moments... Those 3-4 months after my dad died are a total blur... I would like to protest a particular saying that I know I must have heard 10,000 times if I heard it once... "The first year is always the hardest because it's a year of firsts..." I get that and every "first" without your loved one is almost unbearable at times... Once we got to August 15, 2013, I felt such relief that we had made it through that first year... I don't know about anybody else but year one was a year of still being in shock and still quite the blur... Year two has kicked my heart all over the place every single day... I know I cry more... There is no time limit on grief and I can promise you, whoever you are, if ever you find yourself sobbing in my arms over the loss of a loved one, you will NEVER EVER hear me say, "The first year is the hardest..." I don't know who started that deceptive comment but it should be banned all the way past the edge of the universe... There is simply no truth to it...