3-17-2013
This was a comment of mine from yesterday on another page I belong to.. A woman I HIGHLY admire and respect lost her daughter-in-law last week to suicide... Below is one of my comments...
My dad sat on a chair in the garage and shot himself... He did not die right away... He was actually able to get up, walk across the garage, and come sit back down before he died... I have held on to the hope that when he took his last breath, Jesus was standing before him, with His hand out, saying, "Come on Howard, let's go, it's time to take you home..." I sob just thinking about it... It makes no sense that less than two months later I was being admitted to a psychiatric hospital and spent the first 8 of the 15 days on "in line of sight" suicide watch... My heart was in a gazillion bazillion pieces over my dad's suicide, and yet there I was, begging God to let me go be with my dad and begging my dad to please come take me with him... DEPRESSION IS A VICIOUS HEARTLESS MONSTER THAT COMES LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT AND STEALS US AWAY FROM OUR LOVED ONES, LEAVING AN UNIMAGINABLE DEBRIS FIELD OF CONFUSION AND HURT... I may have to be on meds the rest of my life and I am ok with that... I will praise God in this storm and EVERY STORM until He is ready for me... On Sunday I am doing something I have never done... I am putting my name on a church roster... I have been to probably every Christian church there is but when I walked into this little Episcopal church, my heart felt like, "Hi God!!! I'm so happy to be here with you!!!" So on Sunday I will be confirmed... I have been baptized three times in my life... Three different religions, with the last two being just sure I hadn't been baptized correctly the time before... Since I remember for a fact that the last time I was dunked in a creek, it was done in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Father Ed says it's not necessary to baptize me again... This hive saves me daily and today is no different... The fact that you could reach out to me in your grief DogobEE says so much about you and even more about the presence of God in our hive.... Thank you.... From the deepest parts of my soul, thank you..
3-18-2013
Tonight was my prayer night on that same page... I asked for Donna Greigo's blessing before I put the prayer on my personal page... Some of this information about me will come as a shock for a few people, but most of my friends on here already know my story... Mental Health.... It doesn't get enough attention or credit for the damage it can do as far as I'm concerned... When I was in the hospital, every day they would tell us to write something down that was a part of our life, therefore having to accept it as a fact, and learn to live with it... Mine never changed... Every day I wrote: I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS...
MY DAD IS NEVER EVER COMING BACK....
Below is my prayer tonight...
My Most Amazing God, Today I come before You heartbroken and exhilarated... This last week I have easily shed the most tears since I left the hospital... My heart just shattered for Melanie and her family... I know exactly what they were going through... Trying to explain to my husband that I was not having a setback because I just could not stop crying was not difficult because it was him who taught me about St Michael... He prayed with me, he prayed for us... He lit candles for Melanie every day.. He did understand because it was just seven short months ago I was living the same nightmare... Melanie's suicide struck an even deeper chord with me because the eight days I spent on my "In line of sight" suicide watch at the hospital, my fear, and I was very vocal about it, was that I would get to that one moment when I 'just did it' and hang myself on the doorknob with the neck of my t-shirt... Mel was so young and yet so very tortured... Thank you God, FOREVER, for bringing the Griego's into her life... I can feel in my soul that their love and mercy made her a more spiritual person... In her heart, she knew of no other way to stop hurting the people she loved most... My dad was in that same state of mind... Their suicide, in their minds, was an act of love and sacrifice... They truly believed they were a burden to this planet and those that loved them... St Michael... I've learned more about him since my dad died and it is coming to know him that I have been able to begin to make peace with where my dad, and Ryan (RAKs For Ryan), and Melanie are right now... I have posted the prayer and the explanation of who he is; in case any like me, were not completely aware of his job... He is the Patron Saint of our troops and so much more.... This brings me to the exhilarated part of my week... Yesterday I claimed a church as home... It will always be a very special day to me... Tomorrow is the 50th Anniversary of my 4th birthday... The 1/2 century mark of turning four is huge... When you're four... I had the song picked out all week and realized it needed to wait one week... So, with Your permission, my song today will be a celebration of life... A celebration of all that was good and wonderful about those we have lost... Not just to suicide, but in any manner... I feel like I may get away with this because the entire video honors our military... The Blue Angels specifically... I hope that the fact that it's a Van Halen song does not offend anyone... This is one of my all-time favorites and my family knows that when I pass from this earth, they had definitely better have this played at my service... Mostly because I love the sky and as a child I got to see The Blue Angels and The Thunderbirds with my dad... He gave me that love of the sky and the earth and jets... Lord, I pray for Your protection over our troops... All of this I pray in Jesus' Most Holy Name... Amen.... http://youtu.be/XUCUmgsDH7Y
