Implosion

I am extremely fascinated by these few posts after my dad died... What intrigues me is that I have spent some time strolling through 2012 looking for them and then I was shocked by what I read...... Now I remember it like it was yesterday... This will be my next blog and I have promised myself it be written... I am doing so much better and I have such a long long long way to go.... Right now I still sob trying to talk about it when the dreams invade my sleep and the panic attacks show up unannounced at all hours of the day... They are better but there is nothing about them that is productive as far as I can tell... I am surrounded by people who are willing to let me talk and cry till I'm finished... Again, I will revisit these in detail in 2013.. For now, I'm saving them as a note so I don't have to go looking again... (Susan Spicer Mason September 24, 2012 via mobile)   It's kind of like being the occupant of a massive tide pool during a very sassy storm... There is water crashing everywhere and the winds are so loud I can't hear myself think. Yet there is no fear at all. It's just weird... I am living in a state of absolute confusion... It's not a bad place most of the time... It is quite peaceful and yet absolutely terrifying all at the same time. It's images I kept getting when my world was getting "reorganized" for lack of a better word... Don't get me wrong, still there for a little bit... It's just the very odd calmness in the midst of the madness that I can't get over... It was awful and so awesome and at times I couldn't tell which was which.... Nothing about this last few months has ever been seen by me and it has been crazier than usual as far as trying to process stuff... Well, I went and hid in a tidal pool and watched what was going on... Talk about a psychedelic trip!!! Everything was in color... Crazy crazy colors.. One color morphed into another color and I could not take my eyes off of it!!! I can only imagine what a trip  might be like because I have never had one... I was absolutely soaked to the bone and yet I was completely dry. Yea, wait till you hear all my war stories.... You'll be proud, and scared, and proud again... I've been a swinging little ninja lately... It was in that fraction of a second, as I saw the destroyer of my world as I knew it hit the ground, and I saw those shock waves coming at me with no chance of escape,  it was in that fleeting moment that I realized all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeat... There was absolute total chaos all around me...  As I waited, my heart just kept doing it's job, as though it was completely unaware of what was happening... Or better yet, maybe because it knew so much more than I ever could, it just kept on beating.... Our hearts are tough like that... : ) I knew I was about to hit rock-bottom, that dreaded place nobody ever wants to go.  Much to my surprise it was absolutely nothing I expected.  The bottom is smooth and very cool... Nothing real jagged even though it seems that way till you're there... You can climb all over it and even have to hang on for dear life sometimes just to keep from being swept over the abyss...The abyss. That huge expanse of nothingness. I always thought rock-bottom was as far down as you could get. I learned differently very quickly... How is there anything past rock bottom??? But there is something past it… I truly believe the entire universe is on the other side of rock-bottom. Some of the greatest of life's lessons are learned from that edge... That edge that isn't supposed to exist... But it definitely does... Rock bottom... I think sometimes it gets a really bad rap and that's sad... I love the things I've learned at rock bottom on this planet... With that being said, I would never want to have to spend long amounts of time there... It's like a school we all have to go to on occasion... Some of the absolute coolest stuff dwells there... It's where every ounce of wisdom I've maybe ever learned came from... I've never been alone down here... I have no idea where I am, but it isn't awful... Does that make sense??? Probably not if you've never been here. I've called it since last fall... 2012 was going to rattle my cage... Little did I know that it was going to be a magnitude 9 on the Richter scale of my life… I think we all knew it was coming but as with anything like that you are absolutely shocked that it has happened.… I do know at this point that it's going to take more help than I can give myself to get through this monster storm… I absolutely know I would not be writing this if it wasn't for my faith in my God… Just have to put one foot in front of the other Susan and you can do this!!! Going to see Ryker and Steph today... This has been a sky full of huge meteors from this crazy coastline... I am in complete awe... Good night Dad… I love and miss you more than I ever dreamed imaginable… I know you are at peace finally and I know I will see you again someday… All my love always…
  Jan 22, 2014
I am so thankful that I wrote this stuff during all the chaos because there is absolutely no way I could have remembered what was happening in my life at those moments... Those 3-4 months after my dad died are a total blur... I would like to protest a particular saying that I know I must have heard 10,000 times if I heard it once... "The first year is always the hardest because it's a year of firsts..." I get that and every "first" without your loved one is almost unbearable at times... Once we got to August 15, 2013, I felt such relief that we had made it through that first year... I don't know about anybody else but year one was a year of still being in shock and still quite the blur... Year two has kicked my heart all over the place every single day... I know I cry more... There is no time limit on grief and I can promise you, whoever you are, if ever you find yourself sobbing in my arms over the loss of a loved one, you will NEVER EVER hear me say, "The first year is the hardest..." I don't know who started that deceptive comment but it should be banned all the way past the edge of the universe... There is simply no truth to it...

My Dad

Emily Dalton Bentz

BEES - I just got off the phone with my MomEE (Susan Spicer Mason) and she asked that I please share with you. We just got word that my Grandpa (Susan's dad) has shot and killed himself. Would you please join my family in praying - as you can imagine, we are all stunned. Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement - I know how much she treasures all of you.

Dear Dad,

 Dad,

I do not even know how to begin this letter... All I know is that before one of us leaves this life as we know it, there are a few things I have to say to you.. First off, I want to tell you how terribly sorry I am for any/all pain and sorrow in your life that was caused by me.. God knows you are the very last person on this earth that I would ever want to hurt, yet I know I have hurt you.. I don't really care anymore what has been said about me.. I have let time clear my name of a lot, and there are a few things that I know will take dying to ever be cleared of.. I keep saying that when we all finally leave this earth, that those who have held me accountable unjustly, will know the truth.. And they WILL know the truth.. I am slowly learning to forgive those people who spoke unfairly, or untruthfully.. I would like to believe they never intended to do the harm they did.. They were just being basically thoughtless about the outcome of their actions.. If they did mean to cause such trouble, then they will have to answer for that, not me.. As far as my demons go, I am no different from anyone else, and yes, I battle them still.. I asked you years ago why you had allowed something to happen, only to find out that you had absolutely no clue about any of it... I am very glad that I did ask you, even though I could see that just the thought was killing you.. I had been holding you accountable for many years, and I needed to know of your innocence.. I wish I had asked you so much sooner.. My point here is that it just made sense that you were as guilty as everyone else, and you weren't guilty at all.. Not even a little bit.. I plead with you to consider that, when you consider much of what you hold against me to this day.. Things weren't always what they seemed to be.. I have my faults and it is but by the Grace of God that I am able to be sitting here writing this to you.. I just have to know that you know how I feel about you and I.. I don't really care what anyone else believes about me.. I very much care what you think.. You were hands down, the most amazing father anyone could ever ask for.. I saw so much of the world thanks to you.. I never had to deal with a drunken, abusive, absent dad.. I thought the whole world had wonderful daddies like mine.. You were either with us or at work.. When you got off work, all you wanted to do was be with us, exploring the world around us, teaching us to love and respect this great planet.. When I hear people tell me of the traits that they love about me, I always think immediately of you, and what I learned from you as a child.. You led by example, and you were an incredible example to be following.. My children say that I taught them so many good things.. Like to keep their mouths shut if they couldn't say something nice (I know, that doesn't always work out real well!!), and I always remind them that I learned greatness from you.. I am always an asset in a working environment.. I do not just stand around waiting for someone to tell me what to do.. I find something to do until they find something for me to do.. I learned that from you.. I can't be out wandering the world without picking up trash left behind by somebody else.. I want to know everything about everything.. I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge.. I stand in constant awe of this crazy planet and all the beauty that is here.. I am fascinated beyond belief with the sky too.. I want to leave this earth a little better because I was here.. It makes no difference if anyone knows of the good I have accomplished while I am here.. I know, and God knows.. In the end I suppose that's all that matters.. All three of my girls have that same, wonderful, sense of awe and love of the world they live in.. I made sure of that.. Steven and Emberlynn are already completely fascinated with their world.. Your legacy will live on with every generation.. I see that happening right now.. And every bit of this, I learned from you.. I learned because I grew up watching you, and I knew I wanted to be the kind of person you are... I have made my share of mistakes.. My entire personality is as unique as one can be and so totally opposite of yours.. I don't guess I will ever have the discipline and tenacity that I so admire in you.. I am more of a free spirit, I suppose.. It doesn't make me a terrible person.. It just makes me who I am.. I have come such a very long way in my quest to rid myself of so much of the negative that defined me.. I quit using the past as a crutch to validate my excuses.. I take responsibility for what I have done.. Sometimes forgiving yourself is the hardest obstacle.. It has been for me.. What other people think of ME is none of MY business.. Most of them don't have a clue who I really am anyway.. I just wish I could somehow get you to see the person I have become.. If I could erase the things in your mind that I was unfairly given credit for, make you believe how eternally sorry I am for the things that I actually did, and see me for who I really am, I think you would be proud... I would, in fact, remind you very much of the person you tried so hard to raise me to be.. You used to love a poem titled, "IF", by Rudyard Kipling.. I have read that poem so often, and used it many times, along with a lot of Scriptures, as my moral compass.. It has truly kept me from falling over the edge way more than once.. It says so much of what I grew up hearing you say, just in other words.. I love you Dad.. I can't even begin to tell you, or put into words, how much... I guess I just wish I knew you were ok with me.. That maybe you do understand what I am trying to say here.. That maybe you will realize that in everything you tried to teach me, I was listening.. I didn't just hear you.. I listened... I listened with my heart and soul, and those teachings very much define me today.. Thank you for that.. I am forever blessed to have had you for my Dad.. Crazy blessed... I just wanted you to know..
Susan :)
Susan Spicer Mason

My dad and me in June 2011 when he was in the hospital... This pic became an immediate favorite among my friends and is actually the last pic in the Rusty Dunagan "Hold My Hand" video... I was so unbelievably honored that they used it... I miss you so Dad... :'

IF -- by Rudyard Kipling (I absolutely love this poem!!!)

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
http://www.poemhunter.com/