I do not even know how to begin this letter... All I know is that before one of us leaves this life as we know it, there are a few things I have to say to you.. First off, I want to tell you how terribly sorry I am for any/all pain and sorrow in your life that was caused by me.. God knows you are the very last person on this earth that I would ever want to hurt, yet I know I have hurt you.. I don't really care anymore what has been said about me.. I have let time clear my name of a lot, and there are a few things that I know will take dying to ever be cleared of.. I keep saying that when we all finally leave this earth, that those who have held me accountable unjustly, will know the truth.. And they WILL know the truth.. I am slowly learning to forgive those people who spoke unfairly, or untruthfully.. I would like to believe they never intended to do the harm they did.. They were just being basically thoughtless about the outcome of their actions.. If they did mean to cause such trouble, then they will have to answer for that, not me.. As far as my demons go, I am no different from anyone else, and yes, I battle them still.. I asked you years ago why you had allowed something to happen, only to find out that you had absolutely no clue about any of it... I am very glad that I did ask you, even though I could see that just the thought was killing you.. I had been holding you accountable for many years, and I needed to know of your innocence.. I wish I had asked you so much sooner.. My point here is that it just made sense that you were as guilty as everyone else, and you weren't guilty at all.. Not even a little bit.. I plead with you to consider that, when you consider much of what you hold against me to this day.. Things weren't always what they seemed to be.. I have my faults and it is but by the Grace of God that I am able to be sitting here writing this to you.. I just have to know that you know how I feel about you and I.. I don't really care what anyone else believes about me.. I very much care what you think.. You were hands down, the most amazing father anyone could ever ask for.. I saw so much of the world thanks to you.. I never had to deal with a drunken, abusive, absent dad.. I thought the whole world had wonderful daddies like mine.. You were either with us or at work.. When you got off work, all you wanted to do was be with us, exploring the world around us, teaching us to love and respect this great planet.. When I hear people tell me of the traits that they love about me, I always think immediately of you, and what I learned from you as a child.. You led by example, and you were an incredible example to be following.. My children say that I taught them so many good things.. Like to keep their mouths shut if they couldn't say something nice (I know, that doesn't always work out real well!!), and I always remind them that I learned greatness from you.. I am always an asset in a working environment.. I do not just stand around waiting for someone to tell me what to do.. I find something to do until they find something for me to do.. I learned that from you.. I can't be out wandering the world without picking up trash left behind by somebody else.. I want to know everything about everything.. I have an insatiable thirst for knowledge.. I stand in constant awe of this crazy planet and all the beauty that is here.. I am fascinated beyond belief with the sky too.. I want to leave this earth a little better because I was here.. It makes no difference if anyone knows of the good I have accomplished while I am here.. I know, and God knows.. In the end I suppose that's all that matters.. All three of my girls have that same, wonderful, sense of awe and love of the world they live in.. I made sure of that.. Steven and Emberlynn are already completely fascinated with their world.. Your legacy will live on with every generation.. I see that happening right now.. And every bit of this, I learned from you.. I learned because I grew up watching you, and I knew I wanted to be the kind of person you are... I have made my share of mistakes.. My entire personality is as unique as one can be and so totally opposite of yours.. I don't guess I will ever have the discipline and tenacity that I so admire in you.. I am more of a free spirit, I suppose.. It doesn't make me a terrible person.. It just makes me who I am.. I have come such a very long way in my quest to rid myself of so much of the negative that defined me.. I quit using the past as a crutch to validate my excuses.. I take responsibility for what I have done.. Sometimes forgiving yourself is the hardest obstacle.. It has been for me.. What other people think of ME is none of MY business.. Most of them don't have a clue who I really am anyway.. I just wish I could somehow get you to see the person I have become.. If I could erase the things in your mind that I was unfairly given credit for, make you believe how eternally sorry I am for the things that I actually did, and see me for who I really am, I think you would be proud... I would, in fact, remind you very much of the person you tried so hard to raise me to be.. You used to love a poem titled, "IF", by Rudyard Kipling.. I have read that poem so often, and used it many times, along with a lot of Scriptures, as my moral compass.. It has truly kept me from falling over the edge way more than once.. It says so much of what I grew up hearing you say, just in other words.. I love you Dad.. I can't even begin to tell you, or put into words, how much... I guess I just wish I knew you were ok with me.. That maybe you do understand what I am trying to say here.. That maybe you will realize that in everything you tried to teach me, I was listening.. I didn't just hear you.. I listened... I listened with my heart and soul, and those teachings very much define me today.. Thank you for that.. I am forever blessed to have had you for my Dad.. Crazy blessed... I just wanted you to know..
Susan :)
Susan Spicer Mason
